FANFIC: Another Stranger Me

[blastellanos]

Title: Another Stranger Me

Author: dinahqueen

Fandom: Marvel Comics (Earth-20051)

Pairing/characters: Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, Peter Parker, James Howlett

Rating: R

Disclaimer: I do not own Marvel Adventures: Avengers and this is not being done for profit.

Prompt: Any Fandom with Alternate Universes : any characters, Character X learns that an alternate version of them is/was in a same-sex relationship and begins to question their sexuality.

Summary: Steve sees something and begins to question himself...

Beta: pervyficgirl

Warnings: None

Author's Notes: Written for queer_fest. My original posting date was 5/31, but Amnesty Wednesday! And I got this done so early, I wanted to post it now!

“Well, that was certainly an interesting week, if ever we had one,” Tony said, as soon as the rift closed behind them, leaving their doubles behind. Spider-Man was probably making a face beneath his mask, because the material had stretched strangely over his face, and Steve could see the impression of his lips through the fabric. Steve nodded a silent agreement, while Wolverine just grunted, and Storm and Giant Girl continued to gossip about how cute everyone was over there, which caused Tony to roll his eyes.

“Even more interesting than the time that living planet tried to pick-up the Earth for a romantic weekend?” Spider-Man asked, and Tony rolled his eyes again.

“I didn’t say it was the only interesting week we’d ever had,” Tony griped and Steve shrugged, looking thoughtful. He pushed the cowl back and ran a hand through his hair.

“It was certainly-“ Steve groped for a word and all eyes turned on him as he struggled, “-informative,” he finished. The looks of confusion honestly didn’t help and he wished now he’d kept the cowl up, as a pink flush of embarrassment spread on his cheeks. He could feel them get hot and he looked away from the team.

“It’s always interesting to see variations in teams and their mechanics,” he barreled on. “We could learn a lot from studying the tactics other iterations of the Avengers use and apply them to the things we do here,” Steve continued, but he doubted his explanation was believed.

“Yeah, like don’t let Stark be team leader,” Wolverine said glibly and he ignored the glare Tony shot him. Steve huffed a little and shook his head.

“Obviously you don’t get what I mean.” Steve said, which wasn’t surprising, really. Wolverine did have his uses and even his intelligences, but strategy wasn’t really it. Not that Steve had actually been talking about strategy. “Either way, take the rest of the day off, team. You deserve it.”

Steve quickly made his escape after saying that, wanting to leave that particular conversation far behind. In fact, if he could leave the last week behind, he’d probably be happy, because he’d never thought things like this before, and now he was thinking them with alarming frequency.

He’d thought that being back home would make him- not forget about it, but maybe stop thinking about it, though that didn’t appear to be the case. Because he’d made a fool of himself in front of his team, still thinking about it. But how could he not?

Steve didn’t give things involving sex a lot of thought. He’d had a girlfriend back before the war, but during it there hadn’t been a lot of time. There’d been Golden Girl of course, but they hadn’t had much time before he’d been frozen. And being defrosted some sixty-years afterwards, he’d had to catch up fast. And by then, he’d been thinking more of fighting as an Avenger than building romantic relationships.

He had always considered himself to be straight, but considering his reaction upon seeing what he had seen...

It wasn’t arousing, really, but it was intriguing. How could it not be? Reed had discussed the possibility that all of the universes were connected and that the differences were dependent on... something. Steve hadn’t been paying a lot of attention, the theoretical physics had been somewhat over his head. The thing Reed had said was that some of the differences between the universes were negligible. He mentioned he’d been to a universe where Tony had been born a woman, but she was almost exactly like Tony in every way- except with female parts.

So if there was some connection to his thought patterns and that of the other Steve then it was possible that he... wasn’t straight, or wasn’t completely straight. If their brain waves were basically the same then it could be predicted that he’d-

He’d gone to the gym, because they weren’t allowed to fight as per the strange Tony, and it was best if they stayed in the mansion to avoid confusion. And even after just a day or two of inaction, Steve had found himself growing restless. He’d wanted to work out, blow off some steam, maybe hit the punching bags- he’d almost asked Tony to spar, but he was too busy working with the other Tony on trying to figure out how to get them home. Steve hadn’t wanted to interrupt such an important process, and he’d gone alone. But he hadn’t been alone- though he only realized that later when he’d gone in to the showers after his workout.

He’d seen the alternate version of him, all broad and water slicked, in the communal showers. With a flush high on his cheeks and tracing down his throat. His head had been tipped back, his breathing erratic, and while some shower activities would have warranted that behavior...

Steve was curious, so he’d looked down, to- compare, maybe. The other Steve’s costume had bigger wings and it was merely a point of pride to look and see if he at least was more endowed than his double. But he hadn’t actually seen because... T’Challa had been on his knees in front of him, mouth sealed around his dick, and one broad hand pinning his hip to the shower wall. His hands, the other Steve’s, that was, were braced on T’Challa’s shoulders. And he seemed to quite be enjoying himself.

Steve had beat a hasty retreat after that, opting to shower in his borrowed room...

There was an alternative version of him that liked men. And Steve wasn’t sure how he should feel about that. Really, he wasn’t homophobic, he knew exactly what he thought of people who hated anyone based on sexual preference, or religion, or any amount of other difficult to change factors of a person. He wasn’t disgusted by the idea, but he wasn’t sure how it should pertain or affect him.

Was he denying some part of himself, some secret part that manifested more strongly based on how the universe threw the dice in a given reality? Or were there differences enough to mitigate the fact, that maybe it was some event in the alternate Steve’s life that had made him like the company of men, as opposed to women. Perhaps he didn’t even, and T’Challa had just been a convenient partner, given the circumstances and makeup of the team.

He tossed the last idea out almost immediately upon thinking it. After all, if the other Steve was only a slight variation on himself, then there was no way he’d get in to a relationship because of convenience. He’d not stayed long, but after that encounter, he’d noticed certain things. A look that would pass between the two or a touch- something that spoke of intimacy that wasn’t just sexual.

If Steve knew himself, though that was debatable at the moment, he’d say that it was hardly likely that there’d be a circumstance, without threat of imminent destruction, where he’d take something as- unfulfilling as a purely sexual dalliance.

So it made him wonder, if there were only slight variations between them- then maybe there was something there that he’d been missing. The time he’d grown up in, homosexuality had been illegal, if he’d pursued it then, he could have lost everything. His freedom, his position in the military- it would have meant jail time. Or worse, the insane asylums since back then, homosexuality was still being classified as a mental disorder.

But what of himself? He couldn’t have back then... and now?

The only dates he’d even been on, since being unfrozen, were the ones forced upon him during that fiasco with Batroc and Hawkeye and that dating site. He’d not been focused on romance, so of course he’d never noticed if he’d been sexually attracted to another man. He thought all people were attractive, in their own ways. He was an artist, beneath his soldierly demeanor, and he saw beauty in the human form- be it male or female.

But that didn’t mean he was attracted to men, did it? Or maybe it did and he’d just hidden his feelings with his story about artistry. Certainly he’d not been attracted to the women he’d dated because of that site. He’d not gone to any sort of lengths to establish a connection with any females in a romantic manner. Not since Golden Girl during the war, at least.

When he had seen her again, it had felt right- he had liked the fact that he had gotten to see her again. But he supposed the fact that he couldn’t immediately say ‘yes’ to the decision to return home with her said something about the depth of his feeling for her.

The thoughts that had been running through his head were that the Avengers needed him now, and that the Invaders would survive without him. But had it actually to do with that fact? Or was it something else? Was he truly just not attracted to her anymore? And could he really be attracted to a man?

Over the course of the next few days, Steve could not let the question go. The Avengers alert would go off; they’d save the day. It was only a brief respite from the question that had been plaguing his mind and the images he couldn’t banish from his head, as he compared and contrasted his own romantic liaisons from what he’d glimpsed of that other Steve and T’Challa’s intimate moment.

The way that the other Steve had lost himself in that moment had been different. Steve didn’t think he’d ever felt such a way. So maybe it wasn’t a matter of sexuality, but a matter of being in love? Steve pondered the possibility of being in love with another man... but it didn’t help allay his confusions any. But maybe it didn’t matter at all.

Steve hadn’t given the matter a lot of thought, since being unfrozen by SHIELD. There’d been too much to do, between learning about the world and how it had changed, and then to being an Avenger... there’d not been a lot of a time to get to know people in that sort of situation. It wasn’t something that Steve had seen as particularly important, and yet...

”You almost died out there!” Black Panther’s voice never raised, it was as calm as it always was- a little rougher, a little lower- the hurt threading through by bits. Steve froze, because he’d been walking down the hall- he wasn’t supposed to hear this. His alternate self was leaning against the table in the Assembly Hall, his costume torn to hell, and Steve could see blood staining the blue leather and the white stripes, and the red darker than normal.

“It’s an acceptable risk,” his double said blandly. T’Challa removed his own cowl- but Steve could only see the back of his head, and didn’t see the expression on the man’s face. The other Steve apparently did, because his eyes softened around the edges- and he reached up to touch T’Challa’s cheek with a still gloved hand. “T’Challa...” he murmured.

But whatever he’d been about to say was cut off as he suddenly had an armful and mouthful of Wakandan superhero. They were both still in costume, but Steve watched as T’Challa’s hands came up to frame the other man’s face, and watched his double’s red-gloved hands close around T’Challa’s hips.

Steve could only imagine the tightness of the grip, he could hear the noises they made in to the kiss, and flushing, he turned away from them. He couldn’t help but feel like he’d stumbled upon something very private, that he shouldn’t have seen it at all. Even though it was him, technically...

He’d intruded and he felt bad. He hurried the rest of the way down the hall, bumped in to Thor, and was pulled in to a conversation about Asgardian feasts. He did his best to forget about what he’d seen.

Steve didn’t begrudge anyone their sexual orientation, so he wasn’t trying to forget it because he had a problem with people who were gay, but it was him and that made it instinctively different. Like discovering a part of oneself that you didn’t think existed, or prayed it didn’t.

But he wondered if it was more important to worry about the gender, than to worry about having someone. He had the Avengers as friends, but there was the feeling that it wouldn’t be so bad, to have someone to come home to at night. Someone who would sound that upset if he almost died.

Someone who would kiss him like that, or let Steve kiss them like that, if they had been worried about him, and that would allay their fears. An affirmation- you can feel my lips and skin and warmth, I’m alive, don’t worry...

Of course, Steve didn’t want to be lonely; no one wanted that. But he tried to imagine himself wanting to share his life with a man, and he was unable to compute it properly, in his head. After all, he’d never even considered the possibility. Maybe it was one of the convergences; maybe he’d just missed the event, or had a different outcome to it, which had made Steve the way he was.

Though, there was the research that it wasn’t a choice at all and that it was something one was born with. But Steve hadn’t ever looked at a man like that- so perhaps he had just been born without it. Considering that to be the most logical conclusion, Steve was willing to let it rest. But he was still confused, and perhaps would remain so.

Steve couldn’t think about it anymore, as the alerts went off, and he left the tower in the Quinjet with the others... thinking the issue was resolved as well as it was ever going to be.

Only it wasn’t, really. Because as soon as he was back with more time on his hands, he’d gone back to contemplating the issue. It wasn’t that Steve was incapable of logical thinking, or puzzling things out, and while tactically he was brilliant, this was a problem where he couldn’t out-think nor could he hit it until it went away.

The best course of action, so far as Steve could see it, would be to try and date someone and give it a real try and see how his feelings developed. Even if he didn’t fall in love with the person he asked out, surely he’d be able to tell his attraction to that person. He tried to think of people in his circle of friends who he might want to date. Now he wasn’t sure if he should ask a man or a woman out.

The question kept plaguing him, paralyzing him with indecision, and questions, to the point where it probably was starting to leak in to his day to day. He’d never given it much thought before, and now it was all he could think about.

If he’d been more sure of what he felt, Steve didn’t think it’d be a big deal. But there was now a question about a very central issue to him. Sure, he was an Avenger and focused on that now, but it didn’t mean that soon he wouldn’t want to start a relationship. Maybe settle down.

Initially, the thought of settling down involved marrying a nice girl, buying a house, and possibly having children. The American Dream, with a nice one-story house of his own, manicured lawn and white picket fence and all, had been firmly placed in his head as something to aspire to. While some part of him still wanted that, or a variation of that, it was difficult to imagine, now, life outside the tower, without the other Avengers as a backdrop and a family.

But he didn’t know now. If he could be in love with a man, then that would make it so he couldn’t marry. At least not where he lived. He could go elsewhere, he supposed, but it wouldn’t be the same. He’d always imagined he’d be married in New York. But if it was the only way, then maybe it was a worthwhile sacrifice. He agonized over the choice and figured that, perhaps, if he couldn’t get married, than a relationship with a man wasn’t for him. But even thinking that, Steve couldn’t let it go.

The reason why he couldn’t stop thinking about it wasn’t so bizarre. He’d gone for so long thinking one thing, it had set his world on tilt. If it was a part of himself he’d been ignoring, he wanted to move beyond that. He wanted to know himself, thoroughly, and if this was something that he was, then he didn’t want to oppress it.

It wouldn’t make it easier on him, he knew, to be bisexual. (Or maybe he was just repressing, and the relationships with women had been going through the motions. But he’d loved Golden Girl, hadn’t he? Or was the emotion different because of the time they’d met?) He wasn’t doing it for some sort of statement or a way to effect change on a grand scale.

He simply just wanted to know. Even if he never did anything with it, even if nothing came of it, he wanted to know himself. There had to be something, he realized, because if he wasn’t- then he wouldn’t be having this problem with accepting it. He’d have taken it in stride and then went along how he’d always been.

All the talk, all the internal debate in the world, wasn’t going to change anything. And Steve was, at his heart, a man of action. That was the only way to answer his question once and for all. Without a shadow of a doubt in his mind. He’d have to see if he could find a man who’d agree to date him.

Who wouldn’t be offended if Steve’s conclusion was that he couldn’t be with a man. Steve didn’t know who to ask, it was risky to ask someone within his immediate circle of friends, and he couldn’t think of anyone else who he’d entrust a soul searching question like this with.

So when Steve sat down and started listing out the pros and cons of the men he knew and how they might mesh with one another, the conclusion was an obvious one. It took another week, another round of fights, and a few injuries on the team that had been- cutting it close.

There was no time like the present, no time like now.

The medical wing was mostly cleared out when Steve arrived there, out of costume. It seemed like Peter had already been released, and Jarvis had gone to attend to other duties, while a nurse in pale blue scrubs sat in the office nearby, filling out paperwork.

Tony was covered in bruises and cuts, and Steve took a seat next to him. Tony grinned up at him anyways, when he sat, and sort of squirmed in to a sitting position.

“Hey, Cap,” Tony said cheerfully. Steve smiled back, unable to resist.

“Hey, Tony.”

“They say I can leave tomorrow, but they want to keep me to make sure I don’t have a concussion,” Tony said, tone of voice not changing. Steve nodded a little. There was a brief moment of silence and Steve looked away from Tony.

“Tomorrow, if you’re not busy...” Steve started and Tony looked at him again. “... would you like to get dinner with me?”

Tony’s face lit up and Steve grinned even wider.

“Of course I do!” Tony answered and Steve reached out and closed a hand around Tony’s. Tony looked at him, somewhat surprised. But Steve would explain later. Right now, he was focusing on the small feeling growing inside of him and the feel of holding Tony’s hand. Calloused and strong, obviously male.

He stroked his thumb along Tony’s life line, and then squeezed his hand. It wasn’t a definitive answer, but it was a start, and he’d just have to keep on learning.

Comments

[superfan1.livejournal.com]

Nice story hon. :)

[dinahqueen.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[misswalstra.livejournal.com]

Wow, I love the thought put into this, and Cap deciding it's something he couldn't think through, but would have to just do.

Maybe it's because comics keep on going and going, but I can't see Steve just retiring, white picket fence, etc, no matter who he loved.

And Tony has to go get himself nearly concussed again before Steve moves. Oh Steve.

[dinahqueen.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I wanted to make it realistic and in character. And while I've never really struggled with my own sexuality, I thought it was something that he'd not be able to solve, relying only on his brain.

I can't really see Steve retiring either, but I didn't mean retiring, I just meant settling down in the sense of having kids and such. Not that I think he actually would, only that was his ideal before everything else. (Not even particularly during the time he saw everything, just at some point.)

And yeah, lol, that seems to be a common theme in my stories lately! I'm totally working on your prompt! But plot keeps rearing it's ugly head, so it's slow going.

[misswalstra.livejournal.com]

I've had a girlfriend before, and until I'd experienced it I'd assumed I was straight. I'd thought about it, wondered, but I couldn't say for sure until her.

Ah. I just took 'settling down' as 'stop risking life and limb.' I can see Steve thinking he would have the ideal scripted life from his time, even though his life is anything but ordinary. It's something one assumes unless something forces them to otherwise.

I like damaged Tony, cause then Steve gets to put him back together again. :D Hurrah for the prompt! Can't wait to see what you come up with!

[dinahqueen.livejournal.com]

Oh yes, I've had girlfriends before also, but I was always pretty convinced I was bisexual. And while I do have a preference towards men, I never limited myself.

Yeah, I realize it's sort of one way to take that and I didn't think about it! :D Yeah, I know what you mean, I guess I used the term "settling down" pretty lightly!

Me too, and that's how I feel about damaged Tony. Also, Steeeve!. And yah, it's going to rock! As soon as it stops wanting to have plot in it!

[nightrobin11.livejournal.com]

Loved this. ^^ I love all of the contemplation Steve put into this and the ending was just sweet. Great work, I really enjoyed this.

[dinahqueen.livejournal.com]

:3 Yay, I'm glad you liked it! I didn't think it made sense for Steve to just suddenly know, so he needed to put some thought in to it. :D Thanks for commenting!